"But babies are so great!"
"There's no need to wait!"
"You won't understand until you're a mom. You love your husband so much more."
This is going to be a very venting post. But I would like to get this out and hear other perspectives. My husband proposed to me Christmas of 2012, and we have been married for about 8 months now. I was 22 when we got married, and he was 25. At first, my friends thought I was crazy. Why would I want to settle down right after graduation? I hadn't known this guy long. Why didn't I wait for a little while longer? Why didn't we get to know each other more?
My answer: I'm not settling down. We don't need to wait. We knew we were being led by the Lord to marry one another, we were financially stable, and we were ready. Being married is definitely more difficult than I expected, but it also brings me so much joy; I am experiencing so much more love than I ever knew possible, and I know it's just going to increase.
But I'm not trying to have a baby. At all.
There is no "wait and see." There is no "whatever the Lord brings." The Lord made it very apparent to me that this was the man I was supposed to marry. He has given me no such leads that I need to have a child right now. In fact, if the Lord has shown me anything in the last year, it is that I am not ready to be a parent.
And I'd like to think that that is okay.
Don't get me wrong. I do not believe that the Lord is going to call me to be childless. I love children. Heck, I spend 8-10 hours a day with other people's teenagers. I love to rub pregnant bellies, talk about ultrasounds, snuggle babies, and coo at cute clothes. This weekend, I actually purchased two onsies - one for Tennessee and one for Alabama. They were at a booth for a street vendor, and I knew I'd never find something like them in a store. So I bought them, and I'm putting them in a box in my attic until the time comes. I look at my husband and wonder if our children will have his eyes and picture him playing with a giggling toddler. Heck, I've even picked out a couple of baby names.
But I'm still not ready to have a baby.
I'm afraid that the church, at least in the south, really pushes married people to procreate. Today was family day at our church, and the young married ministry took a tour of the family resource center in our building. There were resources for singles, engaged couples, couples considering children, expectant couples, couples with fertility issues, and couples considering adoption. But I didn't see anything for newlyweds. Or couples who are taking a few years to grow in their marriage and as people before they take on the responsibility for new life. Or couples who do not feel led to have children.
In our life group, we have some amazing men and women who are like us and not quite ready for kids. But the numbers are small, and we are the youngest. This leads me to believe that we will likely be the last men standing when it comes to having a family of two (three if you count the puppy). I'm just not sure where to turn for information about strengthening my marriage and making myself ready to be a mother and spiritual guide to my children. My husband and I had a rough conversation about a matter in our marriage the other day. Things worked out, but I have questions that need answering, and I'm not sure where to turn. I know all sorts of books and websites for dealing with infidelity and difficult children, but not run-of-the-mill we're still learning how to communicate our emotional needs to one another.
I do not have a lot of answers to my own questions or concerns because I feel like I lack so much knowledge. Maybe this will be my ministry one day when I have more marriage under my belt. But, until then, I'm wondering what other wives do to grow their marriage BEFORE children.
Please leave me comments, because I am generally interested! Do you and your husband/wife have to cope with the same pressure to have kids? How do you seek to grow spiritually before children? If you have kids, what do you wish you had done before them?
Keep Calm and Carrier On
P.S. When I have a child, he or she will have this.
Kylie! My husband and I feel the same pressure as newlyweds. "when will we hear the pitter patter of little feet?" "you two are next." "you look so natural holding a baby." if holding a baby were all that parenthood entailed, yeah I'd start a family. But like you, I am not going to bring life into the world when my husband and I are still figuring ourselves out, much less the other! To grow as a couple, we talk and pray and vent and hold nothing back from each other. Especially the embarrassing stuff that we would normally hide for no one to see. That's when I trust him most. When I show him those seemingly ugly, hidden parts and he doesn't run away screaming but says that he is glad he married me is when I feel most loved. Keep your chin up and make the decision as a couple who continues to follow the Lord. Your friends and church family and family will always be encouraging and helpful but they won't be the ones accountable before God someday for how the child He gave you was raised in obedience to Him. I love you, sister.
ReplyDeletePs that onesie rocks