I am a ferocious warrior. I battle every day, gritting my teeth and forcing through every trial. My opponent is the hardest one to face - my own body.
Pretty much everyone who knows me knows that I have fibromyalgia. About a year ago, I just stopped telling people how bad it is. Only my family and closest friends know how hard each day can be. But on the flip side, I am able to handle a lot more when I just don't think about how bad I feel. My man is pretty awesome, because he'll grab me, hug me, and tell me I'm tough. Then he'll push me back into my day. But today, I had to face my reality.
I'm taking a sick day. I have been pushing through so hard. Monday, I was dizzy all day, but I made it through a peer observation and four classes before it finally took its tool. Then I vomited. It was almost very embarrassing - I thought I was going to have to take a trash can into the hall and puke right there where all my students would see or hear. But luckily there was an administrator in the hallway. She grabbed my class as I bolted for the bathroom. Since I was already in my last class of the day, I decided to power through and miss my meeting after school. Tuesday, again, I pushed through as long as I could. That was a long day - school followed by tutoring followed by dinner alone followed by TFA book club. By the time I got home, my head hurt so badly that I had trouble seeing anything farther than about 5 feet away.
By the end of yesterday, I was done. I called in a sub before I even left school, had an assignment all prepared, made it home, and started dozing off by 8. I absolutely hate taking sick days. I abhor taking fibro sick days. But that's about all I could take.
I am using the day to sleep, read, and do little things around the house that will help me feel accomplished without wearing me out. It's hard for me to do anything productive on a sick day because I'm supposed to be ill, but I know that it's better for my blood pressure and mental health to do something. It reminds me that I am not infirm - I just can't handle these arctic blasts like everyone else can. The hubs and I have been talking about where we'll move next, and I have voted we find a nice beach somewhere. Although half of the beaches in the southeast are getting snow right now....
I'm starting to realize that people with chronic conditions all go through the same steps. First, it defines us. It's all we can talk about, and it's all anyone knows about us. Then we go one of two ways - either we keep up letting it rule our lives, or we suck it up. I can't blame people who let it take over, who quit their jobs and spend their lives chasing any relief. Even if you don't hear me talk about my pain every day, I am feeling it every day. I am changing my diet, sucking down vitamins, regulating my caffeine intake, and sleeping whenever I can. I pretend like it doesn't get to me, but it does. However, I have decided to take the route of sucking it up. I pretend it doesn't get to me, address it only when necessary, and find ways of explaining it away without having to let on how much it affects me.
But today, it is too much. So today, I will feel the pain, take care of myself, and jump up tomorrow ready to give my kids a test on Anne Frank and talk about our next unit.
Keep Calm and Carrier On
