Married WithOUT Children

"You're next!"

"But babies are so great!"

"There's no need to wait!"

"You won't understand until you're a mom. You love your husband so much more."


This is going to be a very venting post. But I would like to get this out and hear other perspectives. My husband proposed to me Christmas of 2012, and we have been married for about 8 months now. I was 22 when we got married, and he was 25. At first, my friends thought I was crazy. Why would I want to settle down right after graduation? I hadn't known this guy long. Why didn't I wait for a little while longer? Why didn't we get to know each other more?

My answer: I'm not settling down. We don't need to wait. We knew we were being led by the Lord to marry one another, we were financially stable, and we were ready. Being married is definitely more difficult than I expected, but it also brings me so much joy; I am experiencing so much more love than I ever knew possible, and I know it's just going to increase.

But I'm not trying to have a baby. At all.

There is no "wait and see." There is no "whatever the Lord brings." The Lord made it very apparent to me that this was the man I was supposed to marry. He has given me no such leads that I need to have a child right now. In fact, if the Lord has shown me anything in the last year, it is that I am not ready to be a parent.

And I'd like to think that that is okay.

Don't get me wrong. I do not believe that the Lord is going to call me to be childless. I love children. Heck, I spend 8-10 hours a day with other people's teenagers. I love to rub pregnant bellies, talk about ultrasounds, snuggle babies, and coo at cute clothes. This weekend, I actually purchased two onsies - one for Tennessee and one for Alabama. They were at a booth for a street vendor, and I knew I'd never find something like them in a store. So I bought them, and I'm putting them in a box in my attic until the time comes. I look at my husband and wonder if our children will have his eyes and picture him playing with a giggling toddler. Heck, I've even picked out a couple of baby names.

But I'm still not ready to have a baby.

I'm afraid that the church, at least in the south, really pushes married people to procreate. Today was family day at our church, and the young married ministry took a tour of the family resource center in our building. There were resources for singles, engaged couples, couples considering children, expectant couples, couples with fertility issues, and couples considering adoption. But I didn't see anything for newlyweds. Or couples who are taking a few years to grow in their marriage and as people before they take on the responsibility for new life. Or couples who do not feel led to have children.

In our life group, we have some amazing men and women who are like us and not quite ready for kids. But the numbers are small, and we are the youngest. This leads me to believe that we will likely be the last men standing when it comes to having a family of two (three if you count the puppy). I'm just not sure where to turn for information about strengthening my marriage and making myself ready to be a mother and spiritual guide to my children. My husband and I had a rough conversation about a matter in our marriage the other day. Things worked out, but I have questions that need answering, and I'm not sure where to turn. I know all sorts of books and websites for dealing with infidelity and difficult children, but not run-of-the-mill we're still learning how to communicate our emotional needs to one another.

I do not have a lot of answers to my own questions or concerns because I feel like I lack so much knowledge. Maybe this will be my ministry one day when I have more marriage under my belt. But, until then, I'm wondering what other wives do to grow their marriage BEFORE children.

Please leave me comments, because I am generally interested! Do you and your husband/wife have to cope with the same pressure to have kids? How do you seek to grow spiritually before children? If you have kids, what do you wish you had done before them?

Keep Calm and Carrier On

P.S. When I have a child, he or she will have this.

A Send Off...

Internet, if you will humor me, I'd like to share this post. I have it written down in my journal, but 1) I'd like to have an internet copy; and 2) It's cathartic to share stuff like this when I'm grieving.

On March 21st, my dad called me to tell me that my grandpa had a stroke. The doctors had to perform brain surgery, but his body was just not strong enough to recover. After a hard couple of weeks, my mom and aunt decided to remove him from life support. He passed away early in the morning on April 3rd. He had been healthy and independent before this. In fact, when he realized he was having a stroke, he called his part time job to let them know that he wouldn't be making it in before calling an ambulance.

He was an amazing man with an outstanding legacy. I felt very led to speak at his funeral. This is not my most eloquent writing, produced after hours of thinking and a few minutes of scribbling in a hotel room. But it is raw, and exactly what I said.

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April 5th, 2014

When I was a little girl, there was no day more exciting than when we got to see mamaw and papaw. I normally didn't sleep the night before, and often made myself sick with anticipation. Mamaw was full of spirit and silliness and games. But Papaw, he was full of lessons. His first lesson: how to perfectly place the bird food and peanuts to attract birds and squirrels to the deck. He would tell me each name, from Blue Jays to Cardinals, and create stories for every squirrel. His next lesson: how to pull a baby tooth. He could tell when each of my teeth was ready to come out, and the tooth fairy always gave a little extra when he was in town. As I grow older, I decided I wanted to be a cook. Grandpa and I would talk often about Sarah Molten and Rachel Ray, and he taught me how to grow and prepare all of my own ingredients. I have abandoned most of my culinary aspirations, but I know how to perfectly grill corn, chop basil, and choose ripe tomatoes. Most know my grandpa had a temper, and though I hated to be on the receiving end of his criticism, I never felt more loved and protected than when he came to my defense. When I felt insecure about my freckles and pale skin, he'd sing me silly songs and remind me that I look so much like my mother and grandmother, two women he found exceedingly beautiful. When I went to college, he was proud of my education, but reminded me that knowing about the world was not the same as contributing to it. But it wasn't until I met my husband that I understood the lesson he had been teaching me my whole life. As I stood up and made my wedding vows, I realized I had seen the most perfect example of "for better or worse, in sickness and in health." My grandmother was a fierce force, and my grandpa loved every piece of her, even when she drove him crazy. When she got sick and didn't know who we were, he never abandoned her. Instead, he filled the house with pictures, called us to talk to her on every good day, and told her he loved her each night. I will be a very lucky woman if my husband looks at me the way my grandpa looked at my grandma until her last day. The last time I saw my grandpa was my wedding day. I didn't know it was the last time, but I will always treasure eating breakfast next to him, asking him if he thought grandma would like my dress, and watching him dance with my mom. When mom told me grandpa wasn't going to wake up, I thought his lessons were done; his time had passed. But Thursday, as we drove from Memphis, I learned the last lesson: It's never too late. You see, my grandpa did not attend church in his adult life. It wasn't until a few months ago, when an attractive woman invited him along, that he ventured in. On Thursday, we learned from the pastor of his church that he had accepted his salvation. Now, along with all the lessons he taught me, I get to live with the joy and hope that I will get to rejoice alongside my grandfather for all eternity. And really, no grief I feel now will ever penetrate that amazing promise. So thank you, papaw, for all the lessons, and I can't wait to see you again in heaven.
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Thank you so much for all the love and prayers. My family is still recovering from the sudden loss, but we can rest in the knowledge that he did not spend years, or even months, suffering and that we will all see him again.